I recently went through an experience that almost crushed my faith in humanity. I know it’s not fair to generalize and nor is it the truth. I felt discriminated and harmed for not being one of them. At times I would stand against the derogatory remarks and false accusations, but mostly, I was friendly and helpful, and at all times, just and ethical. This continued for good long months. Finally, I realized if people decide to close their eyes and hearts, my attempts at harmonizing the situation will slip through the cracks. I was highly stressed and extremely tired from working long hours and bearing the brunt of all the conflicts – it was a fight for my bread and butter. I had lost my peace of mind. I stopped going for daily walks, which is food for my soul. I started having acid reflux. Finally, one morning, I wanted to call it quits and just two hours later I was told that I would be let go soon. It was a bad thing in one way and yet it wasn’t. But I knew I had to forgive and move on. I thought I did so, at least to an extent.
This entire experience had clouded my heart with sadness. I felt hopeless for humanity and myself – I felt I had no place in this world. I had stopped going out and started avoiding real-time human interactions. I just wanted to kill my time sleeping and watching Netflix. Very few things, if at all brought me joy or comfort. I tried to meditate but couldn’t. I tried to study to land a new job but couldn’t. It was when I was talking to a close friend of mine on how things are faring in life that I realized I had been spiraling into a depression. After our conversation, I cried to myself and felt light-hearted after a long time. I took the online tests for depression and that confirmed my predicament. I decided I had to do something about it – I decided to sever contact with everyone for few days, against my friends’ advice. I had to find out what was really going on and to find a way out of this chaos. I needed silence. I needed healing.
The following day I meditated and had this insight – I wasn’t depressed because I was taken for a ride and wronged, but because I no longer controlled how I felt. I was increasingly focussing on the wrong they were doing to me and on ways to get justice rather than being in love. I had let my survival instincts win over my loving self. In gist, I had stopped being myself. I realized the most someone can wrong me is myself. That meant in any situation, I had to be in love, not anger or fear. That meant I forgive them for they might be blind in their heart and mind. That also meant being okay being exploited – by them, not myself. YES! You heard that right. BUT, it does not mean hiding my truth in fear and suffering in silence. So, the next time around, I will start afresh and give my best without fearing being exploited. And besides, how can someone carrying love in her heart be exploited?
Thought arose on July 30, 2017. Article written on 4/24/18